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Coping at Christmas

Take the pressure off yourself this Christmas

 :  News
Christmas Coping Dementia carers Support

As Christmas approaches, and over the festive season, it’s important to let go of expectations and instead to do what is right for you.

Despite what all the TV adverts and the feel-good Christmas movies show, no-one really has a perfect Christmas. If you can reduce the pressure you’re putting on yourself as a carer over the festive period, you’ll be able to enjoy small moments of connection and joy. Dr Gemima Fitzgerald, Clinical Psychologist, Dementia Carers Count

Christmas can often feel a bit overwhelming

Christmas can often feel a bit overwhelming for dementia carers. There are often expectations around what will happen over the festive period. These might be expectations you have or expectations from other family members, or even friends and neighbours. Either way, Christmas time can start to feel challenging.

It’s important to think about what matters to you most at Christmas, and what you as a carer would like to do and then make a plan so that this becomes possible.

The fear of what Christmas is going to be like is a big thing that can hang over people. The reality is that Christmas can feel like a lot of pressure.

Carers really are concerned that they might not have done a Christmas before with a person with dementia. This might be a whole new thing and they’re thinking, gosh, this is going to be very different to previous Christmases. Or it could be that they’ve done a few and they’ve been really hard. Now they might be thinking, gosh, and the person is even more unwell this year, so it it might be even more challenging.

You’ve got all the usual complexities and problems but also the pressure of thinking that you’ve got to have a perfect Christmas.

You may also be managing other family members’ expectations. There’s a lot going on and its not surprising carers really worry about it. Dr Gemima Fitzgerald, Clinical Psychologist, Dementia Carers Count

Common Christmas worries and ways to cope

This feeling is so common for carers. Please take the pressure off yourself. This Christmas can be as low-key as you need it to be. Think small-scale.

Pretending to be happy, when you’re not, can feel exhausting. Have a think about what is important to you at Christmas and what you can park for this year.

There are no rules. If you don’t want to put decorations up or send cards, that’s ok. But also, if that would be a nice thing that will spark some joy for you, go ahead.

It’s common for people with dementia to be able to mask things for a few hours. Others may always see them at their best, and this can leave carers feeling even more misunderstood and unseen. It can feel frustrating for carers who care, day in day out, when other relatives go away with the impression that everything is fine.

It’s OK to share with family members that in actual fact, this is not what it is like day to day and that you are finding things hard. And if that falls on deaf ears, just know that despite what others think, or say, you are the only one who really understands what you are dealing with and that you are doing a wonderful job in the most challenging of circumstances.

It’s OK to put yourself first. Maybe you can split your time on Christmas day and see him in the morning and then spend the rest of the day with your grandchildren. But if that’s not possible, it’s ok to not visit him on Christmas Day. If he won’t know the significance of the day, then you don’t need to feel the pressure to be in two places at once.

Be kind to yourself and if you want to spend the day with your grandchildren, that’s allowed.

It’s important to think about what matters to you most at Christmas, and what you as a carer would like to do and then make a plan so that this becomes possible.Having visitors to the house, or visiting family at Christmas, can cause a lot of strain on anyone, let alone someone with dementia. They may become overstimulated and overwhelmed.

It’s best to explain your concerns in advance, to people you are seeing over the Christmas period. If possible, consider shortening visits, or having time out in the middle of the day.

For example, would it be possible for them to go out for a walk with someone, or take a nap.

Also, are there any early warning signs that your dad is becoming stressed or overwhelmed? If you can, notice these signs and see if there’s a way for him to move to a quieter environment for a bit.

Recognise when you are starting to feel overwhelmed

Everyone’s situation is unique. There are lots of different reasons why you might start to feel overwhelmed. It’s important to recognise when you are starting to feel this way.

As well as all your usual daily tasks, you may have lots of extra thoughts running through your head…

  • What about the food shop?
  • What about getting presents for everyone?
  • How is the person I’m caring for going to manage?
  • What if there’s an argument?
  • What if nobody leaves when I ask them to?

Ways to cope with overwhelm

Our brains can get really busy in the build up to Christmas. When you’re feeling over busy in your head, it’s time to take a step back.

Coping at Christmas

Plan ahead

It can help to do some advance planning. It may feel sad to let go of some of your expectations and wishes for Christmas. However, trying to create a perfect day may make you feel stressed and sad, when actually, you could plan a day which will help you to look after yourself, even just a little bit.

Think through what would work best for you and what small moments you’d like to enjoy with others or by yourself, if possible. You could consider questions like:

  • How might you be able to make sure you can enjoy any small moments of pleasure?
  • What timings for the day would make things easier?
  • What might you need to tell other people in advance?
  • What will take some pressure off you?
  • If you’re going to visit people at Christmas, do you have an ‘exit strategy’, if you decide you want to go home?

Your support can help dementia carers cope

Our team of specialists are here to help dementia carers cope, whether this is at Christmas time or any other day of the year. We listen to carers and can help them plan how to do things and access the support that’s right for them.

It’s only thanks to your support that we can offer dementia carers free counselling, advice and resources to help them cope better at Christmas, and every other day too. Sofie Fitz, Public Fundraising Manager, Dementia Carers Count

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