Getting to know staff at the care home and spending some time with them will make all the difference. The care home is not only looking after your relative, friend or neighbour, the staff want to support you too.

It’s helpful for you to understand their roles and good communication will make you feel more at ease about the care being provided.

It’s helpful to give feedback and to show your appreciation when things have gone well.

It’s often possible to get involved in relative’s meetings at some care homes. These can be useful and an opportunity to raise any queries or concerns or to praise something that is working well.

It’s important that staff at the care home get to know you and the person they are caring for in partnership with you.

It’s a good idea to share personal information that will help care staff connect with who they are caring for in a more meaningful way. You could tell them about:

• the person’s likes and dislikes
• their favourite foods
• their hobbies
• jobs they had
• interests and passions
• dreams and wishes

Remember that the care staff may not get much positive feedback from the person with dementia, so it will make a difference if you value them and their support and care.

You may want to remain actively involved in some aspects of care. It’s worth finding out what the care home’s position is on this and if you will need any training.

You may also need to plan and agree a routine with care staff. This will help you develop relationships with staff members and help you develop your understanding of the routines in the care home and what some of the challenges are.

You will also gain insights into what social and psychological support is provided by the care home.

You should always introduce yourself at the start of a visit. However well you know the person, they may not be able to link to the mental image they have in their mind of you.

This can feel hurtful, especially when the person you care for doesn’t recognise you any more.

Try to keep things as normal as possible. But make time to look after yourself and your feelings after your visit.

It can be hard, but try to avoid confrontation.

The person with dementia will often see things differently to you. This may be due to:

• visual changes
• hallucinations
• hearing problems
• memory difficulties
• lack of understanding of social cues

Contradicting and arguing may cause distress or anger to one or both of you.

If they are distressed by something in the environment, even if you can’t see it, accept it as real for them and ask how you can help.

At the start of your visit, try to understand where the person feels they are ‘right now’. This means you can stay in this moment which will feel safe for them. It may also provide an opportunity for them to relive some of their most happy memories.

You could ask questions like:

• What does home look like?
• Where do you like to go?
• What do you like to do?

You may find it helpful to bring some things with you when you visit. These can help prompt conversations and happy memories. You might want to bring:

• Magazines
• Photo albums (use copies of original photos and keep master copies in case the album goes missing)
• Memory albums
• Old favourite foods – drinks and smells may stimulate ideas and thoughts
• Information about their old workplace (s) – maybe search the internet for archive images and use the library for old books and newspaper articles.

You might also want to create themed boxes which could include badges, medals, tickets, scarfs, photos etc.

Sometimes leaving is straightforward and at other times it can be very distressing for you and the person with dementia.

We are all brought up to be polite when we are leaving, saying our goodbyes and paying respect to the person we have been visiting. However, at times this is not always the best option for a person with dementia.

Work with staff to try to understand what is at the root of the distress of the disengagement. Look at ways you can tackle this together to avoid distress.

If necessary, any strategy should be shared with family and friends to use when they visit.

Be sure to make time to look after yourself and your feelings after your visit.